In response to the planned US-South Korea naval exercises this month, North Korea plans to influence the Kimchi and Bulgogi export markets, thereby denying US naval crews access to the food.
“Even though North Korea has recently taken an aggressive posture towards the United States, we didn’t anticipate hostility of this magnitude,” says press liaison, Lt. Commander Leslie “Goldfish” Carp. “It could severely affect crew morale and our readiness levels. We may have to cancel the whole exercise.”
It has long been surmised by analysts that the US-South Korean exercises, popular among US naval crews, is more about the food served than the the quality of the training. It is traditional for Master Korean chefs to be brought aboard the US warships and serve traditional Korean cooking to the crews during the exercises. The delicious dishes are highly sought after by US sailors. With the price of Kimchi and Bulgogi skyrocketing, the practice may be in jeopardy.
“We’re doing our best to manage morale,” says Lt. Commander Carp. “The crews are getting punchy.” During the interview with Carp, we noticed that Carp was eating a bowl of BeeBimBap that looked particularly enticing. We asked if we could have sample. Carp pulled the bowl closer to herself and hovered over it protectively. “This is mine. You can get yours at the Mess. You’d better hurry.”
Former intelligence analyst, Kurt Sanchez tells us, “This is an all time low in relations with North Korea. We all enjoyed the DPRK’s recent nuclear test and we had a good laugh over it. But this, this is a major escalation. Even the late Kim Jung Il never dared cut off our Kimchi! You can expect the US to take the matter to the UN very soon.”
Reports are coming in from the South Korean press that military units across the ROK are being mobilized. Troops are visiting all available food vendors to collect donations of food for the US naval units in an effort to stave off a cancellation of the exercises. With market prices already climbing for Kimchi, it is unknown if this effort will be able to collect enough in time.