KUALA LAMPUR, MALAYSIA – In a world where terrorists emerge nearly everywhere, Malaysia takes the job of locating terrorists and anti-government forces seriously. A new breed of supermen lead the charge to keep the Asian nation safe.
According to officials, these Mat Cemerlang are capable of engaging and overcoming as many as fourteen different foes at one time. Kazin Apdal, director of the Special Units Branch, says, “The mere sight of these extraordinary men should send any terrorists into a panic. We sent one Mat Cemerlang just an observe an interrogation take place. when the terrorist saw our new policeman, he immediately wet himself and proceeded to tell us everything we wanted to know. It was awe inspiring.” Asked if there were any coordination problems with the new men, Apdal says, “No, but there seems to be an issue with excessive drinking. We’re working on that issue.”
We spoke with a member of the Mat Cemerlang who happened to be handy. What transpired was difficult to follow, even for our translator. The bulk of the communication was non-verbal, using hand gestures primarily. All of the gestures are quite familiar to Malaysians, but so many signals were passed so quickly, our translator was quickly overwhelmed. Many special forces units use hand gestures in the field to maintain silences. But the Mat Cemerlang can apparently revise an entire battle plan in seconds. A skill no Italian to date has been able to match. We cannot reveal the name or picture of our interviewee, but we were able to glean this much from the interview. “I can send emails from three computers, talk on the phone, clean a weapon, and pee all at the same time,” he boasted. We can only hope he washes his hands afterward; all of them.
It isn’t only arms that make a police force effective. It is also eyes. “A policeman must be a keen observer,” says Apdal. “He must be able to discover that which does not belong or that which stands out.” Working in tandem with the Mat Cemerlang, are policemen who specialize in keeping a close eye on everything around them. “If anyone who is exceptional in any regard walks near these Special Observer Police (SOPs),” says Apdal. “They immediately focus in on that person and observe closely.” These new forces have not been deployed for very long. To date, they have not caught any terrorists, but it is only a matter of time. The efforts have not been in vain, though. They have caught something. So far, the Special Observer Police have caught two cases of Gonorrhea and one case of Chlamydia.