ARLINGTON, VA – The Pentagon has come under intense fire from an unexpected source, it’s own pilots. After an article in the air force web site, af.mil, Air Force pilots are demanding better in flight meals.
The article, found here, reported that U2 pilots are enjoying beef stroganoff and peach cobbler while in flight. F-15 fighter pilots and B-2 bomber pilots reacted strongly to the news, demanding better food for themselves as well. “Nothing against our fellow pilots in the U-2s. Let me be clear about that,” says F-15 pilot Captain Cam “Shaft” Kitridge. “We just want some good grub too.” Kitridge’s organization, the Pilots for In-flight Grub Opposing Unfair Treatment (PIGOUT), is threatening to go on strike if their demands are not met.
Food Network’s Guy Fieri has weighed in on the dispute stating, “You can hardly expect guys to do a dangerous guy’s job, and not let him have ‘guy food.’ We’ve sent a man to the Moon; it makes sense that we should give our pilots a pulled-pork sandwich when they really need it.” Fieri is a popular restauranteur and proponent of classic American food with more concern for taste than for calories. Guy Food seems to be the thrust of PIGOUT’s demands. “We’re not being unreasonable here,” says Kitridge. “We all like our barbeque and we all like grilled food. A few of us are aeronautical engineers and we’ve helped provide a solution.” PIGOUT has submitted plans to the Pentagon and military contractors with modifications that could make the new requirements possible. Below, a possible to the crisis.
Since then, the Pentagon investigated PIGOUT’s design and has rejected it, only deepening the rift between the opposing forces. “Look, it’s not like we don’t care,” says a Pentagon official. He could not be named as he is not cleared to speak with the press. “It’s just that there’s certain scientific principles at work making this difficult. Try keeping cream cheese-filled, bacon wrapped Jalapenos attached to the grill while moving at Mach 2+, and you can see what I mean. Baby back ribs are the worst. They tend to catch the air and fly off the grill, possibly damaging other aircraft in the formation. And if you’re flying in Los Angeles airspace, everything just tastes funny.”
The Pentagon has submitted a counter-proposal that may ease tensions. “The solution,” says Dan Thompson, Master Chef and Mechanical Engineer working as a consultant for the Air Force, “is in aerial refueling. We can’t provide meals for every flight, but if pilots are in the air long enough to require aerial refueling then they also deserve a meal. We can provide a drive-through environment where pilots get fuel and food all in one smooth operation.” Below, the concept has been tried out with promising results.
“We’re looking into it,” says Captain Kitridge. “But we aren’t setting our hopes too high. If they think they can pass off some wheat-filled frozen burgers on us, they’ve got another thing coming. We want Grade-A American beef, and no horse meat! We won’t settle for just burgers alone either. They gotta give us potato salad, pork-n-beans, and beer-up-the-butt-chicken or the deal’s off!”
They say an army moves on it’s stomach. Recent events have shown air forces fly on their stomach too. Time will tell if our own air force continues flying.