LANGLEY, VA – Satellite controllers were stunned this morning by an improbable sight: an overweight North Korean. Analysts spent hours pouring over photographs and carefully studying data points to insure what they saw could possibly be true. In the end, all the experts agreed, an overweight North Korean truly exists.
According to Wiki, approximately 3.5 Million North Koreans died of starvation or malnutrition illnesses from 1994 to 1998. Recently, reports of cannibalism emerged in late January of this year. Starvation and hunger are nothing new to Korea. An overweight Korean is quite unexpected in the impoverished nation.
“At first nobody in the department believed us. They thought it was a joke,” said Mark Frankenberg. One of the first analysts to review the satellite data. “They told us, ‘haha, now turn in the REAL report.’ When we didn’t back down and told them it was for real, the department heads put us in a meeting room and grilled us for a couple hours. At least we got some great muffins and coffee out of the deal. You know, the good stuff reserved for supervisors. It was like heaven.” But there was a price to be paid for all that good grub. Frankenberg’s team needed to prove they were on to something.” We showed them the images and how we came up with our analysis. Eventually, they admitted we’d found something monumental, and that’s when things got really exciting.”
When studying information of this importance, multiple analysis teams often come in to double-check the data. The Pentagon pulled in more teams to review this event than any other incident since the Cuban Missile crisis. Analysis facilities filled to bursting with analysts, hand calculators and magnifiers glistening, all crunching the numbers and reviewing a piece of the astounding images. Even Tom Hickman, a legend in the intelligence analysis world, temporarily came out of retirement to contribute.
“Just to put this in the proper framework,” said Senior Analyst Greg Howard. “There have been fat North Koreans before, but that was always Kim Il Jung and his father. Occasionally, we’d see a fat general too, but that was only because they would eat what Jung threw on the floor. One of Jung’s tailors got a bit chunky, but then he was allowed to eat what fell on Jung’s shirt. Jong-Un seems to be much stricter than his father. Apparently, he’s not letting the staff lick his plates.” So only the generals and senior staff ever gained weight? “Exactly. You wouldn’t ever see a common worker or even a common soldier get fat. I mean that’s impossible! What we saw today is not far different from seeing the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy, but seeing them for real in black and white. If you saw that, you wouldn’t believe your eyes.”
“Look at this porker,” said Howard, showing us one of the shocking and rare images. The portly analyst, easily weighing in at 250 pounds, brushed at a Cheeto stain on his shirt and explained, “This fatty weighs in at about 180 pounds.” That doesn’t seem so heavy to us, and we say so. “For an American, yeah, that’s pretty fit, but you can estimate from the shadows that this guy is average height at about 4’9″. For a North Korean, that’s mighty rotund.” North Koreans are decidedly smaller than their South Korean cousins, growing as much as 5 inches shorter than South Koreans.
Howard estimates the man to be in his mid to late-thirties. We asked how the man had been missed for so long. “Well, it’s obvious the guy stays in hiding. If other villagers found out he was eating a lot, there might be trouble. He might get his food taken away, or worse, be invited for dinner.”