WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND – A recent report, released by Transparency International, lists New Zealand as tied with Finland and Denmark as the least politically corrupt nations on Earth. Since the report, New Zealand has drawn an intense political backlash for a perceived gaffe against the world’s politicians.
“They are causing trouble for everyone,” said Russian Fedration political staffer, Dimitri Yevgovanov. “They make life difficult for every nation. Now people think, ‘our politicians should be honest too.’ Clearly, this is not possible. It is fantasy. These Stakhanovites set a bad example for everyone.” A “Stakhanovite” is a Russian word for someone who works too hard to over-achieve at work, thus forcing other workers to work hard by following the example. The term is often used in a derogatory fashion.
In the US, political staffers were not as critical of New Zealand but appeared dismayed. “It’s all about keepin’ it real,” said Senate Aide, Dan Ingersoll. “You expect a guy in power to, you know, use it. I mean what’s wrong with a campaign donation here and there? Perhaps a summer home in Beliz with the property taxes paid by Exxon. It’s the way things are done. If we send a Senator to Brazil to study the decline of the forests, it’s expected that he enjoys the ladies of the evening a bit, er…most of the time. It contributes to the local economy, and that’s all about international goodwill. You can see the sense of that, right? Why doesn’t New Zealand understand this?”
Political figures in the Philippines are likewise disturbed by the results. “How do they get anything done?” Asks Congressional Staffer, Likod Galos. “All this list says is that New Zealand accomplishes the least. They are the worst! If Filipinos start believing honest politicians are a good thing, you know what will happen? Chaos! Everything will break down. Government will cease to be effective. And I must protest the rankings. North Korea is more corrupt than the Philippines? Please. Kim Jung Il came to us for help. A Filipino taught him how to be properly corrupt.”
New Zealand Political Staffers fired back, pointing out that their politicians weren’t as saccharin sweet as portrayed. “One time, a politician said he would be on time, but he was ten minutes late, and he KNEW he would be late!” points out Parliamental Aide, Amy Weeks. “And that’s not all, I asked one MP if I could have a stick of gum, but he said he didn’t have any more. I found out later, he actually did have one, he just didn’t want to share. Oh yeah, corruption is rampant around here.” Restauranteur, Gareth Oldman often receives MPs at his upscale restaurant and claims that signs of corruption in Parliament are ominous. “Whenever I get an MP I always put my best staff there to wait on him. One member in particular, after getting the best service, only tips 9%, keeping the rest of the money for himself. How selfish! What about the people?”
Panamanian Political Staffer, Rafael Consuelo summed the issue up like this, “Let us look at the issue like adults, like men of the world. A politician must do certain things to do important things for the people. This is understood. A politician without power gained by certain means, has no power, and is therefore selfish. If a politician is not honest enough to be dishonest, how can I trust him?”