GREEN RIVER, WY – James Standish claims that his cat, Mr. Green, can teleport. We traveled to this land of big mountains and bigger skies to see if it was true.
We sat with Standish is his humble yet comfortable home to discuss his amazing claim. Mr. Green, a gray and white cat, took an immediate interest in our gaffer, Beck Landers. The cat seemed fascinated with her and refused to leave her side, even after being shooed away many times. After watching the cat just sit there staring at Becky and not once blinking out of existence, we settled down to the interview. “I don’t know how to explain it really,” said Standish. “He gets into cabinets without having to open the door. The doors are all spring-loaded. They make this little bang sound when they close. Somehow, Mr. Green gets into the cabinets with the door closed, but I never hear that banging sound.”
Interesting enough but cats are masters of stealth. There specialize in subtlety. While the description could be construed to be unusual, it was far from the bounds of reason.
“That’s not all of it,” said Standish. “At night, I close the dishwasher and I have to lock it. It’s old and the door usually falls open if I don’t. Many times now I’ve woke up in the morning and the door was locked as it should be. When I open it, Mr Green is inside and sleeping with the dishes. It’s not a terrible thing, you know. When he’s sleeping in there, the dishes are all squeaky clean. Anyway, there’s no way he could get in there, the lock on the door is too tight for a cat to open. He had to teleport there.”
The flaw in this explanation is that the cat was in there when he closed the door. Pretty easy to explain. The crew and I were feeling this whole story was a bust and we made preparations to go. “Just hang on for a little while,” said Standish. “He really does amazing things around tuna fish. That’s what definitely triggers his teleporting. Unfortunately, I’m out of tuna. But maybe he’ll relax if you give him time.”
We agreed to hang out for a little while longer. Mr. Green seemed to lose interest in Becky and fell asleep in the sun shining in from the window. Since the cat wasn’t doing anything, no flashes of light, no puffs of smoke or anything else, we sequestered ourselves in the spare bedroom to eat a snack and talk business. Halfway through our impromptu meal we all got a jolt.
“Meow.”
Mr. Green was in the room with us. We checked the door and it hadn’t been opened. It made a loud squeak whenever moved so we would’ve heard it. The window was closed and so were the vents. We found no way the cat could enter the room. Nonetheless, he purred loudly at Becky’s feet.
This impressed us enough to get back to work and stay a little longer. Hours passed and even though quirky things happened around the cat, nothing really impressive happened. We decided to call it a day and head back to the airport. We loaded the equipment, carefully as always, checking every last detail to make sure nothing was missing or might fall and break. I was driving, Stan listened to music, Becky read her book and nibbled on her sandwich. And that’s when…
“Meow.”
Mr. Green was in the car! We don’t know how he got there. We don’t even remember seeing the cat once outside the house. Cats are slick, but this one had to be the master of all sneaky cats. We drove back to Mr. Standish’s house, delivered Mr. Green with sheepish smiles, and set back on the road again. All of us giggled a bit and imagined our part of the funny tale to tell to our editor. We each settled back into our travel routines, and then…
“Meow.”
I slammed on the brakes and looked into the back seat. There was Mr. Green staring hypnotically at Becky and her sandwich. I asked Becky, “Any chance that’s a tuna fish sandwich?”
That’s as much proof as we can give you. None of us ever saw the cat blink in or out of existence. We cannot offer substantive evidence that Mr. Green can teleport, but that cat has got some spooky skills that none of us can explain. On our second trip back to Mr. Standish’s house, we left Becky’s tuna sandwich there. Thankfully, and perhaps coincidentally, Mr. Green did not reappear.
EagleAye
Momus News 