SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA – South Korean intelligence officials are scrambling today after news that sent chills down their spines. North Korea’s young leader, Kim Jung Un has moved his chief chef, Kwak In Ho, to a bunker near Musan. The location is as far north from the border with South Korea as possible, yet still conveniently close to a meat packing facility and a bakery.
Kim has never been known to stray more than 100 yards from his master chef for his entire political leadership. If Kwak is moving to a bunker, Kim will certainly follow. If Kim is far north in a bunker, pudgy fists full of lobster and duck, it may be a prelude to war. “He’s never been far away from food,” said one unnamed official. “He always keeps some food in his pocket like a dried fish in his shirt or maybe a sausage hidden in his pants. He won’t go anywhere without his favorite chef.” The bunker in Musan reportedly operates the best communication systems in North Korea so that Kim may direct a war effort if need be, yet with Chef Kwak available, still strategically close to gourmet food.
Kim is one of the most overweight leaders in the world and a prodigious eater. Recently, Kim took pictures showing him riding a horse. Within minutes after the shoot, Kim ordered Kwak to butcher the horse and prepare a meal with it. Reportedly, Kim ate the entire horse.
In recent weeks, Pyongyang’s rhetoric became more bellicose with threats to launch a nuclear attack on the United states and stating that it was now at war with South Korea. Many experts dismissed such threatening behavior, pointing out that the young Kim must prove strength of leadership to internal political factions. These are only demonstrations, they claimed, not real threats. Some pointed out that the industrial facility at Kaesong, operated jointly by both North and South Korea, was still open and this proved that the North Korean provocations were not serious. But yesterday, the Washington Post reported that North Korea had barred South Korean workers from entering the facility.
With the Kaesong facility closed and the unexpected movement of the ubiquitous Chef Kwak to a bunker, South Korea is now on full alert. US Intelligence experts expect Kim Jung Un to follow his chef within hours. Satellite photos located a military aircraft in Pyongyang being loaded with 4 cows, 8 pigs, 22 ducks, 8 cases of live lobster, and 14 cases of Twinkies. Experts believe this aircraft will fly to Musan with Kim. The supplies are expected to support the ambitious eater for a mere two weeks before he’ll run out of food.