Written for the “Okay, What If” writing challenge. News item begins after the image.
GRANDVIEW, OREGON – Secret Life Of Otters (SLOO) Correspondent, Kari Yamashita reporting.
For the past 8 years, a group of revolutionary zoological scientists and naturalists have maintained the web site: http://www.secretlifeofotters.com. Between all of us, we have 72 years of experience observing animals in their their natural environment and studying their behavioral patterns. Ten years ago our founder, Greg Gulbrandson, noted uncanny behavior in the river otters he studied. Having established himself as a non-threatening entity within their environment, Gulbrandson observed behavior that described uncanny intelligence. He recorded tool use never before observed in otters. His relationship with these beautiful and wonderful creatures evolved until he gained unprecedented access into their most intimate lives, and became exposed to a world no human could ever have imagined.
He observed tool use. Not the simple sticks chimps use to snare termites, but advanced tools beyond the ken of human technology. He learned that they read and can even speak (albeit with difficulty) the English language. He submitted paper after paper of findings to scientific journals only to see every one squelched beneath the heel of the almighty institution. He recruited some of the most brilliant minds in science to join him. All of whom agreed Gulbrandson’s findings were valid scientific miracles. Yet still the hoary institution of so-called scientists turned their heads.
Since starting http://www.secretlifeofotters.com we’ve shown you articles, scientific logs, drawings of their intricate constructions, and even pictures of their activities. Seven times our site has been the target of government DOS (Denial Of Service) attacks. The Bush government has branded our team of peaceful scientists a subversive organization. Despite this unwarranted assault upon seekers of the truth, we prevail. It’s a good thing we have, because we can now bring you something truly revolutionary. An actual interview with an otter. The video of the interview follows below.
In the event that government censors delete our video file, here’s a transcript of my interview with this extraordinary creature.
Secret Life Of Otters (SLOO): First of all, thank you for agreeing to this interview. Please state your name for the record
Olli: Oh shoor. Olli Bechelknessen
SLOO: That sounds like a Human name.
Olli: We kyna liked it, ya nou. An’ we knew this daye would coom sometyme, soo we adopted it.
SLOO: Forgive me if I have trouble with your accent. I expected something closer to English.
Olli: Whit th’ fook dae ye expect? Aym a fookin’ otter! You, wee gel, hae the accent. [translation: Well, it’s expected that cross-species communication may be difficult.]
SLOO: Your species have been observed with highly advanced tools. Is this true?
Olli: Aye, ’tis troo, but ye ooughta nou: woon of yer pics shoos me uncle yoosin’ a fookin’ piss-pot. Poor ol’ Gran’ woos scandalized! [Translation: Yes, this is true]
SLOO: Some of our naturalists claim otters have been observed working on advanced spacecraft. Can you confirm this?
Olli: Shoor! Ye don’na expect to mayke orbit with’oot a workin’ hyper-dimenshunal intra-fregulatin’ coompressor now do ye? Ye moos replace that shite woonce in a wile [translation: Yes. Periodic maintenance on the (technical gobbledygook) is necessary]
SLOO: After all this time, why have you decided to speak directly with humans now?
Olli: Well, it seems to us, ye lot tayke yourselves too serioosly. Wat wi’ all yer wars and political pearties an’ gettin’ shite-all oot of it, ye can’na fyne th’ forest for the bloomin’ trees. [Translation: Congress sucks.]
SLOO: Amen, brother.
Olli: An’ yer all starin’ at those fookin’ cell foons lyke they were portals straight to God’s eye, and ye don’na see the bloomin’ flowers beside ye. An’ then ye wonder wye yer depressed? Fookin’ dobbers. [Translation: There are unpleasant side effects from excessive cell phone usage]
SLOO: Yes, we’ve begun documenting such things.
Olli: Can ye no see th’ irony of ‘Reality TV?’ Whit minky basturt tot of that? [Translation: Reality TV is unenlightened programming that corrupts the mind]
SLOO: Did you ever meet Greg Gulbrandson?
Olli: Aye. Fookin’ pansey! [Yes, the flowers were lovely that time of year]
That was all the time, Olli had for us. Apparently, it takes time for his ship’s interstellar overdrive time to warm up, and he was late for a date in Proxima Centauri. As you can see, humans must take these amazing creatures more seriously. We should sit at their knees with humility and respect, and learn from them.
Please, visit our site as often as possible at: http://www.secretlifeofotters.com. Don’t believe it if you get a, “Server Not Found” error. It only means the government is attacking us once again. They are denying our rights to free speech, but we’ll keep trying and bring the site back up as soon as we can.
Kari Yamashita in the field.
Each week, “Okay, What If” presents a new writing challenge. This week: what animal would you be? Everyone is encouraged to join in. The prompt may be found here: http://okaywhatif.com/2013/11/03/1132013-writing-challenge-what-if-you-could-be-king-of-the-jungle/