Diary of a Birdman

Written for Picture It & Write and the Moonshine Grid. A story about magic and birds begins after the image.

Genre: Urban Fantasy/Humor

Diary of a Birdman

Dec 4, 2015
Things are really getting wacky these days. Ever since the magic returned in 2014, strange things have been happening. I’m not talking David Copperfield magic, I mean a wizard named Tim shooting fireballs kinda magic. Just about anybody could do it too. This guy in Vermont grew a literal Money Tree with magic, and then published the spell on Facebook. Within days, economies around the world crashed. Money no longer had real value. I’m hanging in there, but the world gets stranger every day.

Dec 7, 2015
These guys wearing gray trenchcoats—all of them under 5 foot tall—stole a large hot pretzel from this lady. She ran off, screaming. They crowded over the pretzel, grabbing a bit and then flipping it. Pieces of pretzel flew everywhere. The guys all followed the pieces and crowded over them. Nearby, I saw guy about three feet tall goose-stepping and bobbing his head. Weird!

Dec 9, 2015
Boston got so much snow, the city just about came to a halt. Driving is a major pain, and dangerous. Then I found it online. This guy had a spell that could allow you to fly! No more dangerous snow driving. I printed it out double-sided and went to a park. I spread a bunch of bread crumbs around as directed. I tried to shoo the flock of pigeons away, but if you live in Boston, you know that’s impossible. Anyway, I finished the first side of the page. Suddenly, a bunch of the pigeons were swept up in a freak whirlwind. They formed this cone and flew into my treasured class ring. Then it stopped. Freaky! I waved my arms to scare off the remaining pigeons and, whaddya know? I started to fly! I didn’t bother to read the last of the instructions, I was already flying. I stuffed them in my pocket and flew all the way home. So awesome!

Dec 12, 2015
Bread stuffing is a miracle food. Tastes so good. I’ve got two cases of the chicken flavor stuffing and a case of canned corn. I could eat it all day. I’m flying to and from work every day now. This is the only way to live! Almost lost my class ring today. Guess my fingers are getting smaller. I had to tape it on.

Dec 14, 2015
They sent me home from work. They’re just being anal. This guy got a sandwich from Subway and when I saw saw it, I snatched it out of his hands and started shaking it. You know, like anybody would eat their food. Bits of sub sandwich flew everywhere. I picked the larger bits up and shook them apart too. I ate all the little pieces off the floor while this guy was screaming “Thief! Thief!” Weirdo. What do you expect from a guy with a house in the woods? He could’ve joined me and picked the pieces up too. That’s how a community eats, right?

Dec 15, 2015
They told me not to come in to work and seek medical attention. Whatever. I was feeling a bit peckish anyway. Bread stuffing for me! I realized I couldn’t reach the cabinet where the skillets are anymore. Odd. I had to fly up to it.

Dec 16, 2015
Not feeling so good today. Maybe work was right. Why do they make kitchen counters so high these days? Aren’t you supposed to look down while you work? I opened a can of corn and dumped it on the floor. It’s easier to eat that way. By chance, I found the spell instructions and read the final comments. It says…

The spell is focused upon the caster’s ring. ONLY wear this ring when you wish to fly. Long term wearing of the ring can result in unpleasant side effects.

I’m thinking kitchen counters getting too high is one of the side effects. I took my class ring off just to see. I’m going to bed. So sleepy!

Dec 18, 2015
Two days! I slept for two freakin’ days. I’m so hungry! All I’ve got is this stupid stuffing mix, and croutons are scattered everywhere. Where did all this corn come from? I don’t even like canned corn!

Dec 19, 2015
Feeling better now after eating steak and potatoes the past two days. Got my job back, thank god, but I’m banned from the lunch room until further notice. That’s fine. I don’t want to go in there. There’s a woman stealing everybody’s french fries. She goes nuts if anyone tries to eat a bagel with salmon schmear. Nobody wants to say anything to her about it. She’s pretty high up in the company pecking order.
Each week, Ermisenda Alvarez presents an image as a prompt to write anything you like. No real word limit that I know of, but probably best to keep it below 1000 words. Here’s this week’s prompt page: http://ermiliablog.wordpress.com/2013/12/15/__picture-it-write-71/

It’s also time for the weekend Moonshine Grid at “Yeah, Write” where you can write about anything with any length with no restrictions. They had me at, “Moonshine.”

About EagleAye

I like looking at the serious subjects in the news and seeking the lighter side of the issue. I love satire and spoofs. I see the ridiculous side of things all the time, and my goal is to share that light-hearted view.
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17 Responses to Diary of a Birdman

  1. J. Milburn says:

    Ha, “pecking order”! Funny take on not reading through the directions 🙂 When will people learn magic isn’t IKEA where you just slap it together and if you have some leftover pieces…eh 😉 Great take on the picture!


    • EagleAye says:

      Hehe. It’s like the old saying goes, “When all else fails, read the directions.” Magic is nothing to be trifled with and some must learn this at their peril.

      Thanks so much for your thoughts and comments. I enjoyed the visit! 🙂


  2. Lee-Anne says:

    Ohhh, I love it!!! This is pure awesome


  3. This was wonderful, with the twist in and the counter-twist out. The fact that the narrator remained clueless was perfect. I loved it.


  4. Ermilia says:

    This was very smart. I love this kind of creativity. Thanks for contributing this week to Picture it & write, EagleAye! 🙂

    – Ermisenda


  5. Indira says:

    Great take on the picture. Funny side effects of magic. Very enjoyable diary.


  6. Shey says:

    Love, love, love this diary. Well-written and so imaginative!


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