The Safest Law

Written for the Daily Post: If I Ruled the World. The idea is, if you’ve been given the superpower to change one law of nature, what would you change? This is my account of how that would go.

Courtesy of:

The Safest Law

It was a lovely day on C Street and I was sitting outdoors at the little tables in front of Utopia Cafe, when HE showed up.

His eyes were unusually large and his skin had a yellowish cast to it. I took in his expensive gray suit and figured him to be a lawyer, which would explain his skin. He sat at my table without a word of introduction. I took a sip of my jasmine-orange tea and waited to see what he would do as he rifled through his briefcase. Finally he produced a business card and placed it before me. “Pontius Piltdown,” he said. “I represent, CULL.”

“What’s that?”

“Council of Universal Laws Lawyers.”

I knew it! Lawyer. I sipped more tea. “What’s that?”

“We manage the Universal Laws of course. I’m here to inform you that Humanity has been granted a one-time opportunity to rewrite a Universal Law, for the course of one day. You have been selected as Humanity’s representative.”

“You say ‘humanity’ as though you weren’t a part of it.”

“Did I mention I’m a lawyer?” He sniffed. “As it happens, I’m not human at all. I’m a Universal Lawyer.”

I rolled my eyes. “Uh huh, and here I left my tinfoil hat at home.”

“You have doubts? I’ll prove it.” He looked over at a nearby parking lot where a Humvee H2 was taking up two parking spots. Green rays shot out his eyes and blasted the Humvee to smithereens.

I smiled. “Okay, you’re alien. A beneficial one too. So how does this Universal Law thing work?”

Pontius smiled. It was kinda scary to look at. “Pick a natural law, any law, and we’ll suspend it for one Earth day. Although, I wouldn’t recommend any primary laws, like gravity, for instance.”

“What’s wrong with cancelling gravity? Folks could fly to work and back.”

“Yes, but the very atoms that make you up would lose their bonds and all humanity would turn to ooze. Your sun, which is an ongoing fusion explosion, would no longer be held in check by gravity and it’s nuclear fires would scorch the Earth into oblivion in 8 minutes 20 seconds.”

“Oh, that’s bad. Speed of Light?”

Pontius winced. “Since the Speed of Light is intertwined with Time and Space, you’d likely cause the dissolution of the entire Universe.”

“Another baddie,” I sighed.

“Lesser laws like Corry’s Law are better.”

“What’s that?”

“‘Paper is always strongest at the perforations.'”

“Oh I get it. Like Murphy’s Laws.”

“Yes, except the only Universal Law I can’t suspend is Murphy’s Law.”

“Why not?”

“Murphy has all the best lawyers.”

“Oh, okay. I would like to change the law that says males and females can never understand each other.”

Pontious hissed and turned pale. “I don’t recommend that.”

“Why not? Wouldn’t that bring a lot of peace to the world?”

He pulled out an extremely thin data pad and activated the screen. He pressed a few keys and images began to flow across it. “This is a simulator that will show what happens when certain universal laws are rescinded.” The screen showed an anchorman delivering the news.

India responded to the nuclear destruction of Mumbai by launching a nuclear strike on Islamabad. The newly re-started war between Honduras and El Salvador has now reached a death count of 80,000. Israeli tanks are advancing on Port Said, Egypt. China has expelled the Russian Ambassador and is now mobilizing 60 army divisions and positioning them at the Siberian border.

“What the heck? How can this be?” I spluttered.

Pontious looked at me as though I were a particularly slow student. “The Universe depends on a balance of opposing forces to maintain it’s existence: Yin and Yang, Predator and Prey, Good and Evil.”

“I get it, like Progress and Congress.”

“Exactly! You see, often times the only thing that keeps a world leader from attacking his neighbor is knowing his wife’s opposition to the idea. If men and women started agreeing all the time, it could result in worldwide war!”


“So, which one? Corry’s Law?”

“It seems safest.”

The prompt for this daily post can be found here:

About EagleAye

I like looking at the serious subjects in the news and seeking the lighter side of the issue. I love satire and spoofs. I see the ridiculous side of things all the time, and my goal is to share that light-hearted view.
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20 Responses to The Safest Law

  1. An extremely cool story. Especially the Yin-Yang balance. I once had a discussion with a friend of mine (a mathematician) about what would happen if certain fundamental physics forces were altered – weak nuclear, for instance. This, we decided, would be a Bad Thing, for exactly the reasons you’ve covered off regarding gravity, in this story!


    • EagleAye says:

      Thanks Matt. Yeah, every time a considered changing a fundamental physical law, I could only see something really awful happening. I was hoping the Speed of Light could be raised, but if Neil Degrasse-Tyson thinks it should stay the speed it is, I think it’s safest to stick with it. It’s cool that you and the mathematician friend came to the same conclusions. At least none of us would change gravity – and thus obliterate humanity – given the chance. Thanks for stopping in! 🙂


  2. Pingback: Daily Prompt: If (I) Felines Ruled the World | Chronicles of an Anglo Swiss

  3. wsmarble says:

    Superb! Blowing up that Humvee straddling two parking spaces was an especially nice touch!!


  4. Robin says:

    I haven’t been blogging for almost a month, but I’m glad I stopped by for one of your stories. I love your humor. This is a great story.

    P.S. Did you write strangest instead of strongest on purpose?


    • EagleAye says:

      Thanks Robin! It’s good to see you again. I’m glad you stopped in too. Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate that. And yes, you’re right, I meant “strongest” not strangest. Thanks for the catch. I’ve fixed it. 🙂


  5. List of X says:

    I think more useful and practical would be to rewrite the law according to which only one sock out of a pair is lost in the laundry.


    • Lyn says:

      Oh yes! I’ll second that. I’ve had a bag of up to 23 socks (my granddaughter’s) missing their partner 🙂


      • EagleAye says:

        Out there somewhere is a duplicate universe of this one, except there’s a perfect copy of you with a bag of the 23 matching socks. 😉


    • EagleAye says:

      Haha! That’s definitely a good one to undo. Perhaps the one that states, the likelihood of a printer jamming is equal to the desperation of the person needing it to print.


  6. Lyn says:

    Why is paper (or anything for that matter) strongest at the perforations? Then there’s zip-lock bags that won’t zip, ring-pull tabs that won’t pull and safety caps that require Hercules to get them open. Couldn’t we permanently suspend those laws? Eric, you think of the craziest ides for your stories 😀


    • EagleAye says:

      Haha! I recall another law that states “If it’s green it’s biology, if it stinks it’s chemistry, if it doesn’t work…it’s engineering.” Come to think of it, there’s a whole raft of natural laws we could do without. We gotta find these CULL guys and go to court with them. Thanks for visiting, Lyn!


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  8. Indira says:

    You really come up some very weird but interesting and enjoyable.ideas. great story.


  9. Shey says:

    “I took in his expensive gray suit and figured him to be a lawyer, which would explain his skin.” uh-oh, I wonder what your father-in-law would say about this. hehehe


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