ISIL: International Trash Disposal

ARLINGTON, VA – Recently, a shocking new viewpoint from a Pentagon-funded think tank revealed itself. While many are dismayed by the number of Westerners joining ISIL, some government think tanks are now saying ‘good riddance’ to Americans and Britons joining the middle-eastern band of lunatics.

Insurgents in Iraq. Source: Wikimedia Commons

The beheading of American reporter James Foley brought worldwide attention to ISIL (Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant). Later, the realization that a British citizen committed the heinous act raised more than a few eyebrows around the world. As the news developed, Westerners learned that more and more of their very own shunned the wealth and privilege of their native countries to join the fighting in Syria and Iraq. The reasons for such a departure from reason are many, but a source working for the pentagon says it doesn’t matter why Americans and Britons are leaving. General Liston, who asked that we use a pseudonym instead of his real name, says, “If a mass killer wants to leave America and join ISIL, I’m happy about it. They aren’t our problem any more.”

According to Martha Stout, clinical instructor in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, “as many as 4% of the population are conscienceless sociopaths who have no empathy or affectionate feelings for humans or animals.” That means as many as 12 Million Americans can be classified as sociopaths. More from the Washington’s Blog here. Most serial killers like the fictional Hannibal “The Cannibal” Lector can be diagnosed as sociopaths. Of course this figure doesn’t mean there are that many serial killers prowling American streets. Only the most severely affected individuals resort to overt violence. Trouble is, how can the already overtaxed mental health system identify those most likely to kill from a pool of 12 million? It’s a daunting task the mythological Hercules would likely refuse.

INTERNATIONAL TRASH DISPOSAL

Enter ISIL onto the world’s stage. Their slickly produced videos of beheadings, exploiting popular media outlets like YouTube, have been viewed by a small percentage of Westerners. Most found the barbaric acts disgusting, but a tiny percentage who enjoyed the videos certainly found them an appealing recruitment ad. According to a Time Magazine article, “15,000 fighters from 80 countries have tried to fight in Iraq and Syria, including 2,000 Europeans and the more than 100 Americans.”

We think this is terrible news, but General Liston says otherwise. “How are we going to find our American lunatics before they harm innocents, without violating their civil rights?” he asked rhetorically. “It just can’t be done. But with ISIS slithering around, calling for recruits, they’re doing the job of weeding out the crazies for us. Imagine how much it would cost the taxpayers in the US and the UK to place all these losers in padded cells and supply them with expensive anti-psychotics. While the majority of those 12 million who are technically sociopaths can function as useful members of society, we’re concerned with those who can’t. This is where ISIL does us all a favor. They are the international trash disposal. I for one am happy that ISIL is willing to take our human refuse.” While this viewpoint is not the official stance of the US government, it has become de facto policy. Liston reminds us, “You don’t see the US preventing anyone from joining ISIL, do you? We only stop them when they try to come back.”

FISH IN A BARREL

F-18C prior to an airstrike on ISIL positions in Iraq. Source: Wikimedia Commons.

There is a second benefit of ISIL, and that is placing all the human refuse in one location for easy disposal. “The problem we’ve had in Afghanistan is that we’ve been fighting an asymmetrical force. That is small units making quick strikes.” explained General Liston. “It’s challenging for traditional military units to fight such forces effectively. Since ISIL captured heavy weapons like tanks and artillery pieces from Iraqi forces, they think they’ve scored a major coup. However, since doing so they’ve begun moving en masse like a traditional army. Those heavy weapons they’re so proud of need support from large groups of men and material. This means the Western world’s serial killers and rapists are all gathered in one place where airstrikes are the most effective. Taxpayers don’t have to pay for three squares a day to feed mass killers. Instead, ISIL puts them all in one spot for easy cleaning. It’s just like shooting fish in a barrel.”

According to Sammy Ketz AFP, this is exactly what is happening. Islamic State enjoyed much success surrounding and eventually attacking the ethnically Kurdish city of Kobane. However, US-led airstrikes are decimating the ranks of jihadist fighters. According to the AFP article, “But after IS seized dozens of Kurdish villages and broke the defences of Kobane in mid-October, ‘then it fell into a terrible trap,’ said Caillet…Every time IS seized a building, positioning dozens of fighters inside, the US-led coalition warplanes would bombard them, killing a large number of militants.”

As the saying goes, sometimes it’s best to have more than one problem. Once again, it seems one problem is solving the other.
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