Fertilizer – Mondays Finish the Story

Photo by: Barbara W. Beacham

Fertilizer

“Are you laughing at me?“ said Benton, his sprayer raised threateningly.

The two orchids before him stood nearly 8-feet tall and boasted blooms the size of a refrigerator. They weren’t only sentient, but they were mobile, pacing back and forth on flexible roots within the electric fence enclosure. Valumax snickered again. “Aye we was, Guv,” he said between guffaws. “We was laughin’ at ye, we was!”

Benton’s pale visage quickly turned red with fury. As Master Gardener for Sir Harold, he’d collected rare flowers from across Human Space, many of them sentient and many more, predatory. Thus, the fence protected him from the two Lion Orchids from the planet Demeter. Benton maintained a safe distance even so. The Lions grew grasping thorns from their thick leaves that could snare prey. Too close, and they might snatch him up in a bloody embrace.

Benton could not abide misbehaving plants in HIS garden. He ruled with an iron fist, especially over the sentient flowers that talked back. “Listen here, you!” he growled. “I planted you lot from seedlings. I gave you life. You should worship me like a god!”

“Ye don’t look like no god,” chuckled Pyrisinth. “Ye look like lunch!”

Benton sprayed herbicide between the chitinous jaws of Pyrisinth, jaws capable of removing a man’s arm in a single bite.

“Aaaah! Ptooie! Oooh, that burns!” moaned Pyrisinth.

“Let THAT be a lesson,” said Benton. “You should remember who is Lord and Master of this garden!”

Valumax stuck a root in a nearby pool for a drink. “Ye makes some awful assumptions for a Lord, methinks.”

“Like what?”

“Like, we don’t always propagate by seeds,” chuckled Pyrisinth. “Sometimes it’s spores, just floatin’ on the wind.”

“Yeah,” guffawed Valumax. “Driftin’ right past this twice-damned electric fence, they does.”

Benton felt a chill shudder down his spine. “But…the brochure never mentioned that. That would mean…”

He felt a thick leaf…with grasping thorns, tap his shoulder.

A menacing  voice behind him, and quite outside the electric fence,  said, ” ‘ello, Guv.”
________________________________
This week at MFtS, the beginning sentence must be, “Are you laughing at me?“ This is how I finished it. Barb, I guess this will be my long one for the month as we agreed. I just couldn’t resist! Look here for more answers to the writing challenge: https://mondaysfinishthestory.wordpress.com/2015/04/27/mondays-finish-the-story-april-27th-2015/

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About EagleAye

I like looking at the serious subjects in the news and seeking the lighter side of the issue. I love satire and spoofs. I see the ridiculous side of things all the time, and my goal is to share that light-hearted view.
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31 Responses to Fertilizer – Mondays Finish the Story

  1. afairymind says:

    I love it! Brilliant story. 🙂 The Lord and Master is getting no less than he deserves by the sound of it – though I pity any innocents who might live in the vicinity.

    Liked by 2 people

    • EagleAye says:

      Exactly! Sentients are still sentients even if they’re plants. They deserve to be treated with respect. In the end, he was more useful to them as fertilizer. I suppose they’ll have to pull in another Gardener to reign those plants in before they eat the neighborhood! Glad you liked it. Thanks so much! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Lyn says:

    ” ‘ello, Guv.” LOL I just love the accent. So fitting in the setting. Benton should have been nicer to the plants – all plants need to be talked to gently and lovingly…especially ones that are capable of swallowing you in one gulp. Something tells me Sir Harold is going to be advertising for a new head gardener.

    Liked by 2 people

    • EagleAye says:

      Hehe. Bet you never expected an orchid with a Cockney accent, eh? He should’ve been nicer, and researched more carefully. Plants that can eat are hard enough to handle. Pissing them off unnecessarily just makes it worse. Sir Harold has no idea what happened to his gardener, nor what happened to his pedigreed teacup poodle. So yeah, he’s looking for a new gardener, one with better “plant communication” skills. 😉 Thanks much, Lyn! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      • Lyn says:

        Oh no! Not the teacup poodle! Cally!! Come to grandma. She’ll keep you safe from those naughty plants.

        Liked by 2 people

      • EagleAye says:

        Cally is quite safe. The new plant has been captured and all is well. Stray cat population took a brief nose dive, though, until the plant was tucked away safely…behind a spore-resistant forcefield.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Lyn says:

        Phew! That is good to know 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      • EagleAye says:

        No probs. Although, I notice no great concern over the cat population. Hmm. Are you a Dog person?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Lyn says:

        I’m a cat and a dog person – I have both who live together is complete harmony. I’m not worried about feral cats though, we have an estimated 15-23 million of them running wild over here. They are a menace. They’re killing the small-medium native birds and animals to the point of extinction. The walking orchids are welcome to as many as their little tummies desire 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      • EagleAye says:

        Yep. Same thing happening up here. Feral cats number in the millions and they are a major threat to the birds here too. They can have all the House Sparrows they want, but they gotta stay away from our endangered Golden-Cheeked Warblers. I’ll betcha they don’t make a distinction though. We’ve got a lot of wild pigs in these parts, tearing up everything. I understand you folks have trouble with rabbits, yes?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Lyn says:

        Yep, rabbits are almost in plague proportions, they tend to breed like…well, like rabbits 😮

        Liked by 2 people

  3. babso2you says:

    Oh my dear friend Eric! You have done it again! Had me laughing that is! I love the twist of the spores going outside the electric fence, and the ‘ello Guv’ was just perfect!

    I find myself thoroughly entertained when I read your stories! Thank you, oh WordMaster, for contributing to this challenge! Stay tuned for the next challenge where someone has lost their head! ^..^

    Liked by 2 people

  4. phylor says:

    He felt a thick leaf…with grasping thorns, tap his shoulder.
    A menacing voice behind him, and quite outside the electric fence, said, ” ‘ello, Guv.”
    Loved the story — especially the ending. Oh, and the comment “That wasn’t in the brochure!” 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Ha! Excellent! I always figure our Earth orchids probably harbour a grudge against us humans too. Not so much the fact that we rip them out of their homes and put them on display as the way we make ice cream flavour out of their seed pods…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Great story, love the accents as contrast to the flowers, as others have said – you have a way with the last lines.

    Liked by 2 people

    • EagleAye says:

      Cockney was one of the first accents I learned when I was a kid. I’ve been fascinated with them ever since. It’s good to know my last-second zingers are working their magic. Thanks so much! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. This story is great! I believe that Guv is on the lunch menu! Chilling! Funny and chilling!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. This story is amazing and incredibly clever. I love the characterization of the ‘lion orchids’ and you certainly gave the gardener his comeuppance!! Well done!!!

    Liked by 2 people

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