Jones

Photo by: Alastair Forbes

I live in a rough part of town. I’m not kidding, it’s really bad. There’s so many muggers here the muggers mug muggers. See what I’m saying? The police won’t even enter the 64th Street barrio in anything less than an armored car. I used to have a gun for self-defense…but somebody stole it.

The one highlight of the area was Jarood’s Deli. He made the best shawarma in the city. He also sold curios from the Middle-East and Asia. While I held a freshly made shawarma in a little bag, I noticed s green ball, about six inches across, laying on a velvet cloth. Signs piled up around it read: “Do not touch!” “Stay Away!” “Dangerous Item!” So I did what most people would do when faced with a curiosity you’re supposed to avoid.

I touched it.

“Finally!” shouted Jarood from across the deli. “I knew a sign saying do not touch would make somebody touch it.”

“What is it?” I said as the green ball hovered and bobbed happily around my head.

“I don’t know,” spat Jarood. “All I know is it rearranges the whole store every night. It’s driving me crazy!”

“Well, take it back!”

“Uh uh,” grinned Jarood. “You touched it. It’s yours now. I’m free of it!”

I left the store with the green ball floating behind me. I didn’t walk more than a block before the inevitable happened.

“Hey Sean.”

I sighed, “What up, Mick.”

“Time to feed the kids.”

I handed him my wallet. He removed the twenty inside and returned my wallet. It’s good knowing your neighborhood mugger personally.

Mick said, “That a shawarma from Jarood’s?”

“Not my shawarma, Mick!”

“But it’s valuable. It’s a Jaroods!”

“No way!”

Mick held up a switchblade, “Ain’t askin’ again, Sean!”

*Blam!*

A bolt of green light shot out of the green ball. Mick aged about 70 years in an instant. He huddled against the wall, a wrinkled, feeble old man. It was easy getting my twenty back. I found three other wallets. I guess he didn’t know those guys. I decided I should return the wallets at the police station. Unfortunately, that was eight blocks away in the next neighborhood. I’d have to walk through a veritable combat zone to get there. Still, I had a feeling.

By the time I arrived at the cop station, I was calling the green ball, Jones. After twelve attempted muggings, and Jones blasting every bad guy who threatened me, I collected twenty-two more wallets and a bag of money from a drug deal. I turned the wallets in to the cops and the money too…mostly.

Weeks went by and Jones eradicated crime in the neighborhood. I started visiting other rough neighborhoods and Jones wiped out every crook there. They all aged differently. One tattooed guy became an infant. I guess tattoos are seriously permanent. Never seen a tattooed baby before. One guy turned to dust before my eyes. An anthropologist later claimed he found 1500-year old bones there.

I expanded my operations and before long, the city was laying off its cops. With violent crime eradicated, they weren’t needed anymore. With nothing to do, I started staying home. In the mornings I started finding the furniture rearranged, my spice cabinet re-ordered, my DVD collection in order by ISBN number.

I finally realized what Jarood had done wrong. He wasn’t keeping Jones busy. Tire him out and he won’t mess with your stuff. I needed to move somewhere to keep Jones busy for a long, long time.

I understand Oakland California has mighty good shawarma.
_____________________________
Author’s Notes:

According to this post, Oakland is the #2 city for violent crime in the US. Glad I don’t live there anymore. http://kdvr.com/2015/05/08/by-the-numbers-here-are-the-most-dangerous-cities-in-america/

But there’s good things in Oakland too. I really miss the Oasis Market which made the best shawarma I’ve ever had: http://www.yelp.com/biz/oasis-food-market-oakland

Shawarma: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shawarma

Written for Sunday Photo Fiction. Look here to see what other folks wrote: https://sundayphotofictioner.wordpress.com/2015/09/13/sunday-photo-fiction-september-13th-2015/

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About EagleAye

I like looking at the serious subjects in the news and seeking the lighter side of the issue. I love satire and spoofs. I see the ridiculous side of things all the time, and my goal is to share that light-hearted view.
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24 Responses to Jones

  1. I want a friend like Jones. Great story Eric.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. ceayr says:

    This is hilarious, like Death Wish meets Disney.
    Love it.
    And, um, I have guests coming soon, any chance of Jones popping round to tidy up?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve never heard of a Sharwarma but it looks good! This story is awesome! I reall mean that Eric. So creative and hilarious! It’s hard for you to beat your own stories but I think this one did. Love it!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Joy Pixley says:

    Mmm, shawarma…. Great, now I want one.

    Really fun take on the photo prompt — Jones sounds like an incredibly useful companion! I suppose this explains how Jarood could stay in business without being robbed!

    Liked by 1 person

    • EagleAye says:

      Hehe. You are exactly right. I was already way over on the word count. So I couldn’t write the scene where Jarood insists on getting Jones back. Suddenly his market was getting robbed again without Jones around. This is where Sean decides to clean up the whole neighborhood. I might pursue these characters again to fully write the story.

      Thanks much, Joy! πŸ™‚

      Like

  5. Lyn says:

    Poor Jones is going to be run ragged if we all take a turn of borrowing him πŸ˜€ Your mind sure ran wild with this one, Eric.

    Now, just one question…is it a lamb or chicken Sharwarma?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. List of X says:

    Middle East is where the best shawarmas are. I’m thinking Syria or Iraq would be a great place to get them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • EagleAye says:

      Honestly, some the best Middle-Eastern food I’ve ever had was Iranian food. Kubideh, is simply to die for. Trouble is, I think Iran wouldn’t be especially welcoming to me, especially if I open my big mouth to express my opinions of the government.

      Like

  7. juliemc says:

    wonderful as always

    Liked by 1 person

  8. justmaria says:

    Geez.. Now I’m craving for shawarma! Great story. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Dave says:

    “What is shwarma, Tony Stark?” “I don’t know, but it has an eerie green glow, is that right?”

    Like

  10. luckyjc007 says:

    Brilliant! πŸ™‚ Maybe Jones has a family and they can cover the areas like Chicago, New York City, Philadelphia, Detroit, Miami, etc. Shucks, there needs to be a whole generation of Jones’s !

    Liked by 1 person

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