Zhukov sprinted through the crowds of Red Square. In the shadow of St. Basil’s Cathedral, he nearly caught the American spy. Just as he reached out, he tripped over an Englishman’s umbrella.
“Damn foreign spies!” spat Zhukov, sprawling on the ground. The American disappeared into the throng.
A Zil pulled up beside him. “Get in!” barked General Sergeiovich.
Zhukov climbed into the car. “I failed you, sir.”
“Da.”
“Will I be shot in the woods?”
“Nyet,” soothed Sergeiovich. “You’ll be posted analyzing ‘Real Housewives’ TV episodes frame-by-frame for secret intelligence messages.”
Zhukov looked haggard. “Could I be shot instead?”
“Nyet! The loss to Mother Russia is incalculable.”
“What did the American steal? Military satellite access codes?”
“Nyet.”
“The plans for a Mach 3-capable stealth bomber?”
“Nyet.”
“A list of Putin’s mistresses?”
“Everyone has that. It’s something far more valuable.”
“What?”
“It is,” whispered Sergeiovich. “Comrade Lenin’s mother’s top-secret Pirozhki recipe!”
_______________________________
Written for What Pegman Saw.: https://whatpegmansaw.com/2017/01/21/moscow/
Author’s Notes:
Pirozhki: A savory stuffed bread. Very tasty: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pirozhki
ZiL: Common kind of car in Russia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ZiL
EagleAye
Laughing out loud the whole way through. That was a great fun ride through Moscow.
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Ha! The most closely guarded secret of all. This image is a magnet to old, cold war tales.
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It really is. I love spy stories, so I couldn’t resist the temptation in Red Square. Now Lenin’s most prized secret is in the hands of capitalists. They’ll be marketing Mama Lenin’s Pirozhki with a catchy jingle and an animal mascot. 😀
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I suppose his estate could sue.
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Ah, Comrade Eric! Is it true that the main secret ingredient of this recipe, like all Soviet dishes, is vodka?
(On another matter, there’s a story that Stalin tried to get Churchill drunk during an official visit to Moscow, hoping to discover secrets. Alas, he underestimated how much of an alcoholic sot Churchill was, and the British PM drank the Soviet dictator under the table. That wasn’t the only time they all got drunk either. At the Teheran Conference in 1943, Stalin joined Roosevelt in drinking Dirty Martinis and matched Churchill’s intake. They were also engaged, personally, in a kind of ‘food arms race’ at these meetings in which they got their staff to serve up ever-more elaborate and extraordinary dinners – I read a book on Churchill’s dining habits that covered off how, at Teheran, the British produced a huge and fragile blancmange which promptly slid off the serving plate into ruin when it was delivered to the diplomats. When you consider that Hitler didn’t drink and was an abstemious vegetarian, you can only conclude that the secret to the Allies winning the war was bibulousness and gluttony. Oh, and American industrial power, but hey…)
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Of course there’s vodka in it. But the trick is, was it Grey Goose or Previet? 😉
I was laughing all the way through your story. Loved it! I’ll bet the “Man of Steel” didn’t take getting beaten in a drinking match too well, and it doesn’t surprise me at all that Churchill did it. The food arms race is terrific too. That idea may creep into my stories one day. Great stuff from history as always, Matthew. I’m still smiling. Thanks much! 🙂
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Hilarious!
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Thank you! Much appreciated. 🙂
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Oh, you mean the recipe for the long range tactical pierozhki with multiple re-entry stuffing?
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Wow. You know about that? That’s classified info. 😉 But I notice I didn’t know about the Stealth Breading. 😉
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I know a lot of things. I even know that this ZiL car is actually an extremely rare car, and it’s way above a mere general’s pay grade.
So I’m thinking it was an inside job and I have a very educated guess as to who might have been involved.
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That made me giggle. I like it. “Can I be shot instead” lol
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Hehe. That’s awesome. If you giggled, my work is done. 😉 Thanks Al! 🙂
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🙂
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I couldn’t think of any form of punishment worse than watching Real Housewives. I think he was wise asking, “Can I be shot instead.” LOL there seems to be a consensus on that point 😀
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Haha! When I thought of that punishment, it instantly gave me a headache. I knew then it was a good, harsh punishment, and worthy of the next line. Thanks much, Lyn! 🙂
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Dear Eric,
I think I’d prefer a firing squad to almost any (lack of) reality show. Up to your usual high humor standards. Love it.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Me too. At least a firing squad would make you brain-dead faster and less painfully. 😉 Thanks so much, Rochelle! 🙂
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Very funny! Thanks!
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Thank you kindly! 🙂
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Ha! This is delightful. Thank you, thank you for a very good laugh.
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It is entirely my pleasure. I’m always happy to give folks a laugh. Thank you too! 🙂
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Really excellent
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Thanks so much! 🙂
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Real Housewives! Sure, that’s torture. Good funny take.
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Yeah, if I were forced to watch that, I’d just shoot myself too. 😉 Thanks very much! 🙂
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LMAO – well done – Pirozhki for everyone
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Well at least we’ll all get superb Pirozhki now. 😉 Glad you got a good laugh. Thanks so much! 🙂
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my pleasure- and wishing you a good weekend –
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