The Probability Engine

Mayor of Chicago, Rupert Johnson was furious. He shouted at his Chief of Staff, Marion Caldwell. “This is a disaster! ”

“But sir,” said Marion. “You wanted innovative ideas.”

“But not this!” The native Chicagoan loved his city. The horrific spate of gun violence troubled him deeply.

Johnson’s secretary ushered in Stanford Hawkins.

“Hawkins!” roared Johnson. “What the hell did you do?”

“I thought you’d be pleased, Mayor,” explained the spindly scientist. “I think my Probability Engine worked perfectly.”

“Well yes, it worked but…”

“You wanted a solution that reminded the people of Chicago of their commonality.”

“I did and…”

“So I thought changing all the city’s bullets into Bratwurst matched your request perfectly.”

“But, my god man, Bratwurst? Of all the things you could’ve done.”

“I could’ve done cheese puffs.”

“That’s not the point! It’s bratwurst, Hawkins,” raged Johnson. “Bratwurst without sauerkraut and mustard? Are you insane?”
Written for What Pegman Saw:

Author’s Notes:

My Probability Engine is based on the notion that in any given moment anything is possible. You shouldn’t expect your computer will turn into a daisy, but there is a “probability” that it could happen. For more on this, consider the Infinite Improbability Drive from “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”:

Bratwurst (properly served with sauerkraut and mustard):

About EagleAye

I like looking at the serious subjects in the news and seeking the lighter side of the issue. I love satire and spoofs. I see the ridiculous side of things all the time, and my goal is to share that light-hearted view.
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26 Responses to The Probability Engine

  1. I think there’s a city statute that if you put catsup on a hot dog you can be shot on sight. Good story!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. k rawson says:

    Laughing out loud at this one! Personally, I’d have voted for an all beef hot dog on a poppy seed bun, with tomatoes/peppers/relish and some spicy brown.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This put a big smile on my face. I just didn’t see anything like that final line coming! Sweet!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ha! Where do you come up with these tall tales. One of your ancestors must have kissed the Blarney Stone when he was raiding the Emerald Isle.
    But now I’m stuck with the gruesome picture of guns clogged up by sausage meat. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • EagleAye says:

      I’m pretty sure they kissed the stone, much more than once! I didn’t get an image of clogged up guns, I just thought of collecting them and lighting up the grill. 😉 Thanks Christine! 🙂


  5. Oh, if only it were possible. I’m still laughing. Great story.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Lyn says:

    HA! I knew there’d be a strange twist at the end. LOL you never disappoint, Eric 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Dear Eric,

    Now I’m in the mood for a hot dog. Bring on the mustard and sauerkraut. This is hilarious.



    Liked by 1 person

  8. List of X says:

    I dunno, getting hit by a link of bratwurst flying at 2000 feet per second has got to be pretty painful.

    Liked by 1 person

    • EagleAye says:

      Oh yeah, it’s going to leave a nasty welt and a livid bruise at the very least. Then there’s the issue of dummies shooting bratwurst directly into the mouth for a laugh. *sigh* It’s a good time for dentists, though. 😉


  9. James says:

    Well, an exceedingly low probability.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. jellico84 says:

    Oh, man, snorting laughter again this week! Oh, don’t, makes my cracked ribs hurt. Oh, but da* that’s funny! BTW, My apt is reeking of kraut in the crock, and guess what’s in the skillet to go with….

    Liked by 1 person

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