Guns and Old Lace

Photo by: Dawn Miller

Gilbert found his three elderly aunts in the garden, drinking tea. “Aunties!” he called. “Is everything alright?”

“Why of course, Gilly,” said Gertie. She shoved a bowl into his hand. “Have some strawberries.”

Gilbert ate the fruit with relish. They always grew the tastiest strawberries. “Aunties, I got a call from the police. Have some taxmen come to visit recently?”

“Taxmen?” said Bitzy. “I think not.”

“There were those three hooligans,” noted Nattie. “They were trying to rob us!”

“Good lord! Did they hurt you?”

“Not at all,” assured Gertie.

Gilbert relaxed.

“They thought dressing up in suits and trotting out forgeries would get them in the house,” chuckled Bitzy. All three pulled out .44 magnum pistols. “Our friends Smith & Wesson sent them off!”

The aunts tittered happily.

Gilbert began sweating again. He devoured the strawberries in earnest. “Aunties, I think those really were taxmen.”

Nattie tutted blandly, “Hmmm, most distressing.”

“And now the police say they are missing!”

“Not to worry, Gilly,” advised Gertie, patting his hand. “They’re not missing at all.”

“No?” Gilbert felt the weight of the world removed from his shoulders.

“Of course not,” laughed Bitzy. “They’re over there beneath the mound, fertilizing our strawberries!”
___________________________________
Written for Sunday Photo Fiction: https://sundayphotofictioner.wordpress.com/2017/08/27/sunday-photo-fiction-august-27th-2017/

Arsenic and Old Lace: One of the funniest movies ever: “…Mortimer Brewster is a newspaperman and author known for his diatribes against marriage. We watch him being married at city hall in the opening scene. Now all that is required is a quick trip home to tell Mortimer’s two maiden aunts. While trying to break the news, he finds out his aunts’ hobby; killing lonely old men and burying them in the cellar. It gets worse.”
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0036613/plotsummary

.44 Magnum Pistol – one of the most powerful handguns: “…When loaded to its maximum and with heavy, deeply penetrating bullets, the .44 Magnum cartridge is suitable for short-range hunting of all North American gameβ€”though at the cost of heavy recoil and muzzle flash when fired in handguns.”

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About EagleAye

I like looking at the serious subjects in the news and seeking the lighter side of the issue. I love satire and spoofs. I see the ridiculous side of things all the time, and my goal is to share that light-hearted view.
This entry was posted in Short Fiction and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to Guns and Old Lace

  1. Loved the care-free characters of the three aunties and their ‘friends.’ Gilbert will never eat strawberries. enjoyed your story.
    https://ideasolsi65.blogspot.in/2017/08/sunday-photo-fiction-august-27th-thanks.html

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have heard that taxmen do make great fertilizer.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. michael1148humphris says:

    I thought that might be why the strawberries tasted so good. I wonder how many other individuals are planted in the strawberry patch. It could make for along story

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Susan says:

    Stay away from the Zucchini!
    Thanks for the light-hearted fun on a Sunday afternoon

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Lyn says:

    Just love the Aunts! I can see them sipping from their teacups with their pinkies extended. I hope they had a nice sponge cake with strawberries and cream as well. Poor Gilbert, what’s he going to do?
    I am a little surprised thought, that the strawberries tasted so good if taxmen have been fertilizing them πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

    • EagleAye says:

      I hoped folks would imagine that extended pinkie detail. I envisioned it that way. They had scones and crumb cake, of course. Taxmen are okay for fertilizer. It’s politicians and lawyers that make food bitter. Don’t ask how I know. πŸ˜‰ Thanks Lyn! πŸ™‚

      Like

  6. Sheena says:

    God save us from such aunties!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. James says:

    Interestingly enough, I just watched “Dirty Harry” again last night. “Do I feel lucky…well do ya, punk?”

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Love this and the title’s just perfect! Brilliant.

    Click to visit Keith’s Ramblings

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Nis says:

    Loved the story!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I think DIrty Harry would have been proud. Good story Eric.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. luckyjc007 says:

    I’d advise strangers to stay away from the Aunties! They will put them to good use….under the strawberry mound with the help of Smith and Wesson. Funny story and now it will always come to mind whenever I eat strawberries! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • EagleAye says:

      No kidding. They’re armed and dangerous. Now if you brought along some apple pie with you, and didn’t ask for anything, you’d probably survive. Strawberries look different to me too now. πŸ˜‰ Thanks much! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  12. And that is why they have the tastiest strawberries. It’s all in the fertilizer. Well done. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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