Guns and Old Lace

Photo by: Dawn Miller

Gilbert found his three elderly aunts in the garden, drinking tea. “Aunties!” he called. “Is everything alright?”

“Why of course, Gilly,” said Gertie. She shoved a bowl into his hand. “Have some strawberries.”

Gilbert ate the fruit with relish. They always grew the tastiest strawberries. “Aunties, I got a call from the police. Have some taxmen come to visit recently?”

“Taxmen?” said Bitzy. “I think not.”

“There were those three hooligans,” noted Nattie. “They were trying to rob us!”

“Good lord! Did they hurt you?”

“Not at all,” assured Gertie.

Gilbert relaxed.

“They thought dressing up in suits and trotting out forgeries would get them in the house,” chuckled Bitzy. All three pulled out .44 magnum pistols. “Our friends Smith & Wesson sent them off!”

The aunts tittered happily.

Gilbert began sweating again. He devoured the strawberries in earnest. “Aunties, I think those really were taxmen.”

Nattie tutted blandly, “Hmmm, most distressing.”

“And now the police say they are missing!”

“Not to worry, Gilly,” advised Gertie, patting his hand. “They’re not missing at all.”

“No?” Gilbert felt the weight of the world removed from his shoulders.

“Of course not,” laughed Bitzy. “They’re over there beneath the mound, fertilizing our strawberries!”
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Written for Sunday Photo Fiction: https://sundayphotofictioner.wordpress.com/2017/08/27/sunday-photo-fiction-august-27th-2017/

Arsenic and Old Lace: One of the funniest movies ever: “…Mortimer Brewster is a newspaperman and author known for his diatribes against marriage. We watch him being married at city hall in the opening scene. Now all that is required is a quick trip home to tell Mortimer’s two maiden aunts. While trying to break the news, he finds out his aunts’ hobby; killing lonely old men and burying them in the cellar. It gets worse.”
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0036613/plotsummary

.44 Magnum Pistol – one of the most powerful handguns: “…When loaded to its maximum and with heavy, deeply penetrating bullets, the .44 Magnum cartridge is suitable for short-range hunting of all North American game—though at the cost of heavy recoil and muzzle flash when fired in handguns.”