China’s Philippines Relief Surpassed By Lady’s Knitting Committee

Courtesy: NY Times

TACLOBAN, PHILIPPINES – The world watched as the Philippines was devastated by Super-Typhoon Haiyan. Yet in the wake of the destruction many countries have stepped in to help. According to a BBC article, donations have been offered like these: The US pledged $20 Million with support from the George Washington Carrier Battle Group. Australia offered $30 Million including aircraft, medical staff, shelter materials, water containers and hygiene kits. Japan offered $10 million and 1,000 troops with 25 medical personnel. South Korea contributed $5m plus a 40-strong medical team. Even the relatively poor nation of Indonesia sent $2 million in aid (Jakarta Globe).

China, the 2nd largest economy on Earth with the largest number of troops on earth, offered $100,000.

Apparently, that money accidentally fell out of someone’s change purse. Rumors are flying that the Chinese diplomatic corps spends more tipping strippers in Hong Kong…every month.

Indonesia (shown left) contributed $2.0 Million - China (shown right)  offered $0.1 million

Indonesia (shown left) contributed $2.0 Million – China (shown right) offered $0.1 million

In a world where instant communication from nearly any country in the world is possible, a disaster in any country is a disaster for the whole world. Even countries far from the Pacific, including France, Germany, and Israel, sent money and personnel support to the Philippines. What happens in any country is quickly visible to everyone. This includes China’s pathetic contribution to Philippines relief. When China’s entire economy cannot match contributions by furniture maker, IKEA (Slate News), everyone notices. According to an article by the USA TODAY:

“China’s action illustrates the blundering nature of its foreign policy,” said Phillip Swagel, a former assistant secretary for economic policy at the Treasury Department and co-author of Awkward Embrace: The United States and China in the 21st Century. “This is an unforced error for them, revealing to other countries the limits of Chinese friendship.”

Many speculate that China boosted it’s contribution to $1.64 Million after suffering a humiliating public relations defeat from IKEA (China still falls short of the Swedish furniture company), but Momus News has uncovered the real reasons.

The Lady’s Knitting Committee of Emporia, Virginia (pop. 5,740), set to knitting Filipino flags on pillow cases to raise money for the beleaguered nation. The women, all battling arthritis, raised $118,000 selling their pillow cases at $5.00 each. We asked the women if they knew they had defeated the second-largest economy on Earth. “China? Is that a country now?” asked Mrs. Scrivener. “Tight[censored]!” said Mrs. Piller. “You stick a charcoal up their [censored] and wait a half hour, they’ll [censored] out a diamond!”

Boy Scouts Troop 404, of Blanca, Colorado (pop. 383) raised $104,000 baking cookies and selling them at the city’s only gas station/grocery store/town hall. “China? Please!” commented 14-year old Billy Cumberland, who stopped to pick his nose. “China is a second-rate country. They’re no competition for Boy Scouts. It’s the Girl Scouts we gotta watch out for. They’re serious competitors and top-notch producers. The real deal.”

The BBW Car Wash Committee, of Allerton, Iowa (pop. 501) raised $101,000 in the age-old fundraising tactic of girls washing cars in bikinis. Apparently, the girls were a hit, with lines of cars running down the block and awaiting their fleshy ministrations. The octet squealed with delight when informed they had outperformed the most populous nation on earth. “China!” squeaked Tabith Gowen. She paused to wipe fudge brownie off her mouth and open another bag of chips. “Ah just love China. My momma has a huge collection of ’em. A bunch of those plates got the purtiest pictures of Elvis!” Angela Schaffer said, “Oh whoopdey doo! It ain’t nuthin’ to beat out China. It’s only a third world country after all.”

Mere hours after reports emerged about these tiny groups outpacing a nation of 1.3 Billion, China upgraded it’s abysmal relief contribution of $100,000, to a merely pathetic contribution of $1.64 Million. While China appears quite skilled at bullying their neighbors into giving up land, they seem unequal to the task of leadership in Asia. Theories that China’s spectacular economic growth is an unsustainable bubble, may be proven correct in light of their inability to support their far more generous, and allegedly poorer, neighbors.

About EagleAye

I like looking at the serious subjects in the news and seeking the lighter side of the issue. I love satire and spoofs. I see the ridiculous side of things all the time, and my goal is to share that light-hearted view.
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9 Responses to China’s Philippines Relief Surpassed By Lady’s Knitting Committee

  1. List of X says:

    $100,000 was the amount Chinese leadership calculated as the ideal sum of money which both looks like a real help without actually helping their competitor.


    • EagleAye says:

      It seems they miscalculated. China desires to take a leadership role in Asia. It’s certainly logical for them to desire this, but they are failing abysmally. Their land-grabs with their neighbor’s land and now this pitiful contribution to an Asian neighbor in need is proving they are not ready for leadership. If they want Asian nations to rely on China more than the US, they need to contribute more than the US. And that’s only the start.


      • List of X says:

        China wants the leadership role without having to work for it – for example, they want to mine mineral deposits in Afghanistan, but they won’t go in until US establishes some kind of peace there – and they won’t help the US with that either. They enter into contracts for advanced military equipment, then cancel them once they got a chance to copy the designs of the first samples. And the island grabs – always the island grabs.
        But that will eventually work against them, because they won’t have any allies.


      • EagleAye says:

        Yup. They are widely known for their industrial espionage and making illegal copies of other people’s technology. They’re already in trouble with the Russians for making copies of the Su-27K. They haven’t figured out the engine tech and now the Russians are refusing to give them the engines per their agreement. China is burning the candle at both ends.


  2. Al says:

    Sickening isn’t it. They care more about their money than they do about human welfare. Scouts are giving more money than China


    • EagleAye says:

      Seriously. They want the leadership role in Asia, they need to know you get that with more than just military might. Even small groups are giving more than the 2nd largest economy in the world.


  3. Indira says:

    You raised a good issue here. Some want leadership at the expense, well said’ Their land-grabs with their neighbor’s land’ they are always doing that.


    • EagleAye says:

      Yep. They aren’t winning any friends with these tactics. They need to understand that a ‘leadership role’ is less about military might and more about mutually beneficial business arrangements and helping a neighbor in need. When US military ships show up, the Philippines expect relief aid, When Chinese military ships arrive, Filipinos expect an aggressive land grab. That sums up China’s relationship with her neighbors.


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