TACLOBAN, PHILIPPINES – The world watched as the Philippines was devastated by Super-Typhoon Haiyan. Yet in the wake of the destruction many countries have stepped in to help. According to a BBC article, donations have been offered like these: The US pledged $20 Million with support from the George Washington Carrier Battle Group. Australia offered $30 Million including aircraft, medical staff, shelter materials, water containers and hygiene kits. Japan offered $10 million and 1,000 troops with 25 medical personnel. South Korea contributed $5m plus a 40-strong medical team. Even the relatively poor nation of Indonesia sent $2 million in aid (Jakarta Globe).
China, the 2nd largest economy on Earth with the largest number of troops on earth, offered $100,000.
Apparently, that money accidentally fell out of someone’s change purse. Rumors are flying that the Chinese diplomatic corps spends more tipping strippers in Hong Kong…every month.
In a world where instant communication from nearly any country in the world is possible, a disaster in any country is a disaster for the whole world. Even countries far from the Pacific, including France, Germany, and Israel, sent money and personnel support to the Philippines. What happens in any country is quickly visible to everyone. This includes China’s pathetic contribution to Philippines relief. When China’s entire economy cannot match contributions by furniture maker, IKEA (Slate News), everyone notices. According to an article by the USA TODAY:
“China’s action illustrates the blundering nature of its foreign policy,” said Phillip Swagel, a former assistant secretary for economic policy at the Treasury Department and co-author of Awkward Embrace: The United States and China in the 21st Century. “This is an unforced error for them, revealing to other countries the limits of Chinese friendship.”
Many speculate that China boosted it’s contribution to $1.64 Million after suffering a humiliating public relations defeat from IKEA (China still falls short of the Swedish furniture company), but Momus News has uncovered the real reasons.
The Lady’s Knitting Committee of Emporia, Virginia (pop. 5,740), set to knitting Filipino flags on pillow cases to raise money for the beleaguered nation. The women, all battling arthritis, raised $118,000 selling their pillow cases at $5.00 each. We asked the women if they knew they had defeated the second-largest economy on Earth. “China? Is that a country now?” asked Mrs. Scrivener. “Tight[censored]!” said Mrs. Piller. “You stick a charcoal up their [censored] and wait a half hour, they’ll [censored] out a diamond!”
Boy Scouts Troop 404, of Blanca, Colorado (pop. 383) raised $104,000 baking cookies and selling them at the city’s only gas station/grocery store/town hall. “China? Please!” commented 14-year old Billy Cumberland, who stopped to pick his nose. “China is a second-rate country. They’re no competition for Boy Scouts. It’s the Girl Scouts we gotta watch out for. They’re serious competitors and top-notch producers. The real deal.”
The BBW Car Wash Committee, of Allerton, Iowa (pop. 501) raised $101,000 in the age-old fundraising tactic of girls washing cars in bikinis. Apparently, the girls were a hit, with lines of cars running down the block and awaiting their fleshy ministrations. The octet squealed with delight when informed they had outperformed the most populous nation on earth. “China!” squeaked Tabith Gowen. She paused to wipe fudge brownie off her mouth and open another bag of chips. “Ah just love China. My momma has a huge collection of ’em. A bunch of those plates got the purtiest pictures of Elvis!” Angela Schaffer said, “Oh whoopdey doo! It ain’t nuthin’ to beat out China. It’s only a third world country after all.”
Mere hours after reports emerged about these tiny groups outpacing a nation of 1.3 Billion, China upgraded it’s abysmal relief contribution of $100,000, to a merely pathetic contribution of $1.64 Million. While China appears quite skilled at bullying their neighbors into giving up land, they seem unequal to the task of leadership in Asia. Theories that China’s spectacular economic growth is an unsustainable bubble, may be proven correct in light of their inability to support their far more generous, and allegedly poorer, neighbors.